When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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