so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize