Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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