jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
