Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
