I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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