last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
