I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I could have mohawked her pubes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
