so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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