dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
