Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
