I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
