I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
