ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
