i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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