why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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