he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I cannot find my penis.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
