she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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