Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
