Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
