Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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