Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
