I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
