It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
