That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
