Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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