I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
