I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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