and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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