our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
