I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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