I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
