i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
