I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
