Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
