Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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