is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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