You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Pants are for mortals
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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