She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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