we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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