Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize