I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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