How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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