sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
