How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
