My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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