We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
