good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
