Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
