dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize