Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
