how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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