So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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