just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
