It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
