i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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