Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
