How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
